Once you have figured out where you went wrong, that’s when you can start making changes. These changes, however, are not going to happen overnight.
Unlearning poor behavior and building character is a lifelong chore. You are not going to be a finished product until the day you are put into the ground – life is about continually improving yourself.
What you can, and should do right away, is to change those behaviors that are killing your relationships.
You shouldn’t even think about another relationship until you have a handle on your own shortcomings.
If you are a divorcee with children, you will probably have plenty of time to do this. The twin tasks of financial recovery and co-parenting are going to keep you busy for awhile. Those of you who are unencumbered by offspring need to make sure that you slow down – there is no need to rush back into the dating scene.
As with any type of recovery program, the first step in changing your behavior is to admit you have a problem. If you can take accountability for your part in the demise of your marriage, you have made a massive first step in the right direction.
The next thing you want to do is find out all you can about it. Is a particular shortcoming a mental problem or just a learned behavior that doesn’t work? Do your homework and find out all you can about it. Think back and ask yourself:
“Why do I do things this way?”
“What prompts me to act the way I do?”
During this thought-provoking stage, it could be very helpful if you have someone to confide in. A close, long-time friend can be a good choice.
But there are occasions when you might require the assistance of a professional counselor to help you work through the issue at hand. Once you have completed this part, then you can look for a better way to handle these specific situations.
There are a number of ways you to go about this learning process.
» Use quiet meditation to look back at each problem you can remember, then move forward through the process.
» Other people find it better to put their thoughts into writing. They make lists from the results of their moral inventory. This allows them to focus on each problem and work to correct it.
» Finally, many people get better results by talking it through with another person. This is what a counselor does for a living. However, there is no reason why you can’t ask “a family member, a friend, or mentor to help you” (Kellevision, 2009).
The traditional 12-Step Recovery Program encourages two methods – writing it down and then processing it with a “close-mouthed friend.”
Here’s a good example from a lady whom the author knows. Being called “a bitch” would set this woman off into serious acts of violence. The first thing she had to do was realize that the name “bitch” was one of her “buttons.”
She learned to grit her teeth, count to ten and remove herself from the situation. That didn’t work well enough, so she decided to look deeper. A close friend who had known her since childhood reminded her that her father used that term with her after her mother ran off.
She was only eight years old at the time. Her dad’s favorite names for her were “bitch, little bitch” and “bitch just like your mother.” Violence was her way to deal with the pain of those memories.
As time went on, this woman uncovered a great deal of related issues and has learned to overcome them. Today, she laughs when someone calls her a bitch, then she’ll say that she’s a good bitch!
