A family is a complex and complicated entity that works only with effort and support of all members, parents and children. In a normal family, a healthy environment, there must be harmony, understanding, affection. Sure, there are tensions from time to time, disagreements, anger caused by all kinds of reasons, but they pass eventually and the calm is restored.
But there are unfortunately many families in which every problem becomes conflict that degenerates into endless arguments. Between the two parents seems to be a war that manifests verbally, bluntly, disputes never end, screaming, accusations, door slamming become common manifestations, peace and harmony becoming increasingly rare.
Perhaps the problems that caused tension between the two partners are more serious (financial issues, infidelity) or less important, but whatever their cause, they certainly will not solve them through strife and grief. And what’s worse, is that such an approach to family problems, irreparably harms the emotional development of the children in that family. It is a fact that a tense atmosphere, with quarrels and continuous verbal violence, is not a healthy enviroment to grow and develop.
Which are the things that affect your child and what are the consequences if you fight in front of him?
There are families where the fights are always on the agenda, there are families where fights are put out faster and the partners ‘mend’ the relationship like nothing happened. What’s weird is that neither one nor the other realize how harmful was the arguing for their children. Disputes between parents harm the whole atmosphere in the family, and there is no possibility not to affect the emotional life and development of children.
Every child is very sensitive to the relationship between both parents and it’s no secret that discord and indifference, even hatred installed between them affects him too. The child is very responsive also to the emotional variations existing in the relationship between the adults. Many believe that a child cannot perceive it, but it is not true; the child is the first who knows his parents no longer love and understand eachother, even if there are no obvious manifestations. Especially if they turn into continuous bickering, the child is affected.
How quarrels affect our children ?
There are at least two major consequences in the development and up-bringing of a child due to fights between parents.
The first is,the case of the child who grew up in tension and verbal violence, who would assimilate such behavior that will become a defyning quality for his future character. A high tone, propensity for arguments , preference to resolve problem through disputes, overly competitive behavior and the desire to win, imposing his point of view at any cost will be features certainly ” borrowed ” from his family home ; what is sad it is the fact that these “qualities” will be hated by the people around him in his adult life.
They will not be willing to tolerate them , and such an individual will be judged and isolated, if not being able to correct . And what is even worse , these individuals are not able to change , because this way of being is within their nature already .
This child grown up in an unhealthy environment of bickering and accusations, screams and cries will never be able to appreciate a harmonic, calm and understanding atrmosphere of other families. Normality for him is the way he grew up in, aggression, hostility; That’s why parents are guilty they flawed the way of thinking and feeling of their child.
But, unlike the former, who borrowed from parents verbal violence,and does not associate it with a failure and does not suffer because of this, there is a second category of children raised and educated in such families. They are sensitive children, even hypersensitive,whom the quarrels between parents depress them and because of that they really, suffer. These children hardly bear disputes between their parents, are not used to them and seek safety wherever they can find,it in order to escape the tense atmosphere in their family.
Sensitive children can not tolerate any high tone, no insults or accusations thrown by the parents at each other; they take refuge in their room, at the grandparents, or any other place where there may not witnesses that show they detest. Unfortunately, there are even cases of children who run away from home because of the quarrels between parents.
And even if they hardly bear that family atmosphere in which they grew, how this affects them later, has a much higher importance. These children will become adults who will cherish harmony and understanding; but, unfortunately, they may be shy, withdrawn, less sociable, because of the fear of not distorting everything because of an argument.
A child whose parents are always arguing is likely to be subjected to school failure and as an adult will have difficulty in asserting and expressing emotions . In order to have professional performance, needs more support and encouragement than anyone else. The horror of hostility to those around them can turn them into victims , just because they bear it harder than others. Due to childhood trauma he/she may fall into a state of self-pity , lose trust in their peers and prefer solitude .
Here are just a few of the possible reactions of an adult that once grew up in an environment full of verbal aggression . To fix all the harm done by such a family atmosphere ,requires a major effort from the individual ,who must educate himself , to shape himself so he can assess normal values such as calm , understanding and affection ; to form, as a result of this approach, a family with a healthy, without quarrels and disputes enviroment , and to be an example for their own children.
In case of a “war ” between parents the children are often, involved, actively .They take sides for the parent, either on his own initiative or at the express request of the parent . It’s a scenario to be condemned whoever and how planned such a thing. As parents should love their children undifferentiated ,the affection shown by children for those who gave them lives must be equal .
Child or children should not be involved in any way in arguments between parents ; they do not have to judge who was wrong , who is right between the two ; and , especially , should not be asked to choose between the two , this is not a solution for the problem that triggered the fight. And instead of being put in the in the midst of the conflict , if both parents would have their eyes only on their children and would analyze their reactions that they have towards their differences , then,they would find other ways to solve problems arising in the family ; out of love for their children.